


Last night (looks like you're to blame)

by BrightDream



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Bottom Remus, First War with Voldemort, Last Night Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Top Sirius, Tragedies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 19:23:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2036979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightDream/pseuds/BrightDream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius has admitted to himself Remus must be the traitor, but he can't help trying to see him one last time before leaving.</p><p>Or: the one where Sirius and Remus have their last night together and their conversation sounds too much like they are both confessing their betrayal.</p><p>(Written around 2009)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last night (looks like you're to blame)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I recently watched Prisoner of Azkaban and ended up going back to read my old and unfinished HP fics.  
> Surprisingly, I found that I have some finished ones, never before posted... My best guest is that I wrote this four or five years ago, in a time when I didn't post fanfiction online.  
> Anyway, HP was my first fandom and Sirius/Remus my first slash ship, so I decided to post it with a few edits. I don't know how this fandom is in the current days, but depending on the reaction this gets I may post more old stuff.

 

When Sirius arrives, Remus isn’t home.

Sirius lets out a long sigh, unsure if relieved or angry. He doesn’t want to face Remus today, _can’t,_ but there is something annoying in the fact that he isn’t there waiting for him.

He’s just come back from a secret meeting in the Order: they have debated for hours, considered every option, but it doesn’t seem like other explanation makes any sense. Privileged information has been forwarded to the Death Eaters again and again, and there weren’t that many people that knew about it in the first place...

Lily had protested vehemently when she understood the accusation, said that they were all mad.  She was sure Remus would never do anything against them, and how did they dare say something like that?

James had tried to calm her and pointed out they were only trying to be logical, Lily dear, because facts were facts. He didn’t want to accuse anyone without proof, but how could she explain it otherwise?

Moody had agreed in his rough, unsettling voice, as Frank tried to ease the mood in his calm way. Dumbledore hadn’t said anything the entire time, limited to shaking his head sadly, as Alice rubbed Peter’s shoulders. Peter, who grew paler and paler as the War progressed, Peter that was now shaky with the thought that someone was selling them out, and that someone was probably Moony.

“He must be the traitor” Sirius murmured, the first time he spoke in the entire night, and everyone grew quiet. If anybody had a final world in the matter that someone was Sirius. "“Remus is not the same man he once was” he admitted, voice final, but tight “He’s almost never home; we hardly ever talk. Ever since he’s got closer to the other werewolves by Dumbledore’s orders... Well, he’s different. He’s no longer the person we once knew. If someone is a traitor... –It’s him. It’s _has to_ be him.”

It hurts to think about it, even now.                          

It hurts that Sirius has admitted out loud that Prongs was right to suspect Moony, even if the first time he had made the accusation, almost two months ago, Sirius had punched him.

Remus is the traitor.

Remus is working to see them all dead and Sirius has to leave this house before it's too late.

Sirius walks around the dark living room, tries to take it all in one last time. They’ve been living here for a few years and the memories are still fresh, in every corner.

There’s that chair, where Lily sat when she told them she was pregnant, that table, that Wormtail gave them when they first came to live together. There’s Sirius’ old broom in a corner, and there’s that ugly sofa that was the first thing Remus bought with his money. There are pictures, so many pictures, the Marauders smiling together, Prongs and himself playing Quidditch, and also Lily, and Harry, and Peter and his mom, and Remus with his father and grandmother, and Frank and Alice and Mary. There are pictures of them both, Moony and Padfoot, pictures in which they are kissing, or hugging, or a picture in which Remus seems to be lecturing him. There’s Moony, just Moony, smiling to the camera, his lips saying “I love you, you idiot” and it makes Sirius smile despite himself.

 It was in this house Sirius first gave Remus a ring, in this house they promised they’d be together forever. In this house they fought, and in this house they lived, and in this house they loved each other. Remus fucked him against that wall once, he bathed Remus in that bathroom more than once and they held each other in that bed more often than not.

Sirius won’t ever do that again. 

Sirius won’t live here anymore, won’t be with Remus anymore, won’t ever be happy in his life.

A huge anger awakes inside his chest, anger about War, about Dumbledore, about Remus. Anger that Remus has betrayed him, betrayed them all, anger that makes Sirius wants to scream, to destroy the house, to punch Remus in the face.

He weeps instead, weeps until his face is washed in tears and all that he has left in his heart is a deep, aching sadness.

He needs to get out of here. Needs to get out before Remus comes back.

He packs a bag quickly, without thinking, takes only the essential. Two sets of robes, extra pants, four muggle shirts, underwear and shampoo; he will figure the rest out later.  He considers for a bit though, before packing _‘A wizard guide to muggle bikes’_ and also about taking any pictures. He takes one in the end, the one that is just Moony, the “I love you” one and his chest hurts because now it is a lie.

He needs to get out of here.

He doesn’t know when he will see Remus again, doesn’t know _if_ he will.  He knows that he will put himself in a position of great danger when the Fidelius Charm is cast upon the Potters, knows everyone will think he’s the secret keeper. He will probably die for it.

So be it. If he has to die to make sure Prongs, Evans and little Harry are safe he will do it gladly.

Moony, though.

He won’t see Moony ever again.

Sirius sits on the bed, hides his head between his hands, and feels like weeping again. He hides his bag on one of the closets, instead; takes off his clothes.

He’s not strong enough not to at least see him one last time, despite all he probably is.

 

\--

 

When Remus arrives, the house is dark.

Sirius’ scent is very noticeable, though, so he knows he must be home.

Remus tries not to make any noise when he enters, or when he takes his coat off in the living room. But when he gets to the bedroom, he realizes there was no need: Sirius is not sleeping.

He’s in the bed, eyes closed and he completely ignores Remus, as if he isn’t awake. But Remus knows he is not sleeping, knows because he is a werewolf, and it’s part of him to recognize breathing patterns. Sirius is awake, but he is trying very hard to pretend to be asleep, probably because he is pissed Remus didn’t get home earlier.

Well, fuck him.

If Sirius is not man enough to wait up and confront him about this sort of thing, then he can pretend to be sleeping all night. Is not like Remus cares.

He takes his clothes off as quickly as he can; crawls inside the blankets. He makes a point at lying as far from Sirius as he can, not seeking contact as he usually did in happier days.

Sirius doesn’t move, though, and stays quiet, still pretending.

They lay there for what seems to be hours, without touching. Remus tries to sleep, but he can’t, not tonight.  There is something in the air, something that his Wolf senses are picking up but he doesn’t exactly know what it is.

Suddenly, Sirius whispers:

“Are you awake?”

Remus considers feigning sleep, considers giving Sirius exactly the same treatment he received. But in the end he just sighs.

“Yeah”

He hears Sirius turning on the bed, now facing his back. Then he feels Sirius’ hand against his shirt, against his neck.

“Moony” he calls.

Remus turns to face him, expecting him to start arguing, or complaining, the thing he apparently does best. But Sirius just looks at him, looks at him and smiles, a sad little smile.

“Yes?”

Sirius moves closer to him; touches his face gently. There is something foreign in his face, something so very loving that Remus is reminded of their first times, still in Hogwarts. In those days Sirius used to look at him with something close to admiration, in those days they were happy, but didn’t know.

“Let me” Sirius says, and kisses him.

His lips are soft and loving and Remus melts into the kiss, melts in a way he hasn’t in a very long time. They kiss for what feels like hours, kiss until their lips are red and they are both panting.  He can’t remember the last time they kissed like that, can’t remember the last time they weren’t in a rush to finish, always busy or angry with each other.

Remus pulls Sirius closer and ends up with him on top, his weight comfortably pining him to the mattress. They haven’t stop kissing until now, but Sirius leaves his mouth finally to kiss his neck, lick it. When Remus exposes his neck further, in that annoying involuntary reaction of submission that the Wolf allows, Sirius gives it a tiny bite in response.

Moony whimpers.

Sirius undress him slowly, pulls back for a while to help Remus remove his clothing. It’s all done quickly but lovingly and Remus must be dreaming, right?

Sirius lies on top of him again, and this time they are both naked and it’s so good. He still takes his time though, time to kiss Remus’ chest and lick his navel down and down until he has taken Remus inside his mouth. He moans at that.

“Hmm, Sirius... That’s so.... Hm...”

Sirius sucks him until he is very hard, licking him and hollowing his cheeks in that way Remus loves.  Before he can come, though, Sirius stops, panting against his thigh.

“I want to get inside you” he asks, and Remus nods, feeling harder at the thought.

He picks his wand at the bedside table, whispers the spell and coats Sirius’ cock in lube, pumping him a few times.

Sirius gasps.

He lets Sirius prep him, and he is as oddly gentle as he is being with everything else tonight. One finger, then two and three, and finally Sirius is sliding inside, bringing them impossibly close together.

The mechanics is the same; that search for friction, for release. Their bodies are colliding in that way, that way that is _oh Merlin, so good_ , but also so comfortingly familiar. Still, there’s something off tonight, perhaps in the desperate way that Sirius says his name, or in the way that he kisses his neck all the time and refuses to meet his eyes.

It doesn’t matter, though, because it’s been a while since the last time they slept together, and a long, long time since they’ve done it properly. Remus is close, so close, Sirius thrusting into him repeatedly, but he’s not the first to come, Sirius losing his rhythm and ending inside with a moan.

“I think I can finish you like this” he says to Remus a second after he comes, what’s not very like him, really, always completely lazy after orgasm. Tonight though, Sirius reaches for his cock and rushes to thrust before he gets completely soft, hitting him _right there_ two or three times in a row.

Remus comes, with a loud cry of pleasure that is entirely Wolf.

Sirius doesn’t comment.

He rolls to his side, giving Remus space to get his wand and clean them off with a spell.

“What came over you?” Remus asks him, brushing his sweaty hair back.

“You did” Sirius answers and laughs, the sound surprising them both.

 It’s been a long time since there was any laughter in this house, let alone in this bedroom.

“You idiot” Remus murmurs affectionately.

Sirius’ eyes seem to light up with that, but quick as it comes, suddenly his face is closing off again. There’s something strange in his eyes, something haunted and sad.

“What is it?”

He lifts a hand to touch Remus’ chest. When he speaks, he keeps his eyes down.

“I just...-“he follows Remus’ scars with his fingers “I guess I wanted to remind myself ... Of those times when we had no problems, you know. We were happy, Moony. And, and...” He huffs.

Remus nods. He understands what Sirius is getting at.

“And now it all changed, huh?”

“You changed” Sirius mutters and for once, it doesn’t sound accusatory at all, just deeply sad.  As if he understands that now, as if he’s resigned to this situation, but it pains him so very much.

“I... I did” Remus admits for the first time, and Sirius’ eyes finally meet his. For a second it looks like he might cry “It’s this War, Sirius. It’s got the best of me. I try to fight it, but everywhere I look there’s death and wolves and pain...

Sirius stills in the dark. After what seems a long time, he chokes:

“Do you even love me anymore?”

“Of course I do. I don’t think I could stop”

Sirius moves closer, presses his body against Remus’.

“I should hate you for it” he confesses against Remus’ chest, after a long silence “But I _can’t_.  And I shouldn’t say this, Moony but ... Merlin, I love you. I should hate you, but I love you, and it’s killing me, Remus, but I want you to know that I do, no matter what happens. And it’s too messed up, but I want you to remember that, and I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I do, I do. “

Sirius is crying now.  Remus can feel Sirius’ tears against his skin, can smell the salty edge, and hear it in his voice. He doesn’t understand why, but perhaps Sirius is just feeling like it’s a bit too much tonight. They are in a War, for Merlin’s sakes, it’s not like that’s unaccounted for.

“Come here” he whispers, pulling Sirius in for a kiss, trying to put in that kiss that he understands, that he feels the same, that he is so fucking in love with this man still.

After a while they break apart, but keep touching. Sirius is holding him close, so close that he is almost sure that if he wasn’t a werewolf he would have some broken bones.

He lets him. He loves it.

“Sleep, Pads” Remus whisper in Sirius’ ear “I’m not going anywhere”

Sirius chuckles awkwardly, buries his face even closer to his chest.

“I know _you_ ’re not” Sirius says, and there’s something strange in the inflection of his voice, but he doesn’t pay much attention to it.

Remus pets his hair, tries to sooth him. He can’t do it for a long time, though, for the bed it’s too comfortable and he’s tired, so tired... Sirius’ breaths feel soft against his skin, relaxing, and they are closer than they’ve been in so long, wonderfully close...

He falls asleep before he knows it.

 

\--

 

 _“I’m sorry it has to be like this.”_ Says the note Remus finds in the morning. “ _It was wonderful tonight, but I see no other option. Don't forget that I love you."  
_

Remus scratches his head, confused, and goes make a cup of coffee for himself before trying to decipher Sirius' words.

 

\--

 

Four days later, the Potters show up dead. 

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, sorry for any mistakes. :)


End file.
